TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from location. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up Trump Tower Damascus a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where my PTSD might have transform-down provider."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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